Wanting to get there....

Why does it so happen that the very thing you want, you sometimes push it away? What makes me do this? I surprise myself so often now...this is not me...not me at all. I'm in one of my thinking moods today...The day has drifted by... the sight outside my window remains as it was this morning, except for the darkness. When I think about it, so much has changed....It all started with shifting my home to a new place. Then we came face to face with death and the period of grief which was difficult to cope with. Just a month later it was time for me to leave..in search of a new beginning? I'm not so sure but I had to go. Here I am now, looking back at the chain of events and trying to understand their purpose. I don't know why I contemplate so much. Maybe that's why I'm not good at Math (any excuse works here!). Sometimes I wonder if I would have fit in better if I was born in another century where conscientiousness was valued, genuineness was an everyday affair and sincerity rewarded. My friends are right when they say I think too much. Would I be a different person had I gone to a different school, had different friends and liked different subjects? What does it feel like to do something that you are bad at but is really valued in this world? I don't know whether I will reach my goal. I hate losing. I truly detest it. Fear and uncertainty plague my mind.....I want to make it...I have to. If I don't I'm not sure whether it will make me stronger or more vulnerable to defeat...Only time will tell!!