Reflections....

I hate it when plans don't work out. If you know me well enough you know that I don't function without a plan in my head. If I don't adhere to "To Do" lists I feel like I have wasted the day. I don't know whether I'm being hard on myself or whether thats my way of coping in this world that moves too fast for my comfort. I would like to believe its the latter. Sometimes I feel I should let go and wait for things to fall in their place because very often, they don't happen like I would want them to....The worst is when a well formulated plan (according to me, of course!) comes crumbling down on me. It suffocates me and asks me why I'm a "planner". It disappoints me, it upsets me and makes me think about the time I wasted planning it all. "Take it as a learning experience" is one cliche that serves to now sicken me since I can't see transfer of that learning! Sometimes I wonder whether planning is synonymous to dreaming or is it a means to fulfill your dreams? Not getting what I want has served to motivate me further to achieve but now its somehow pulling me down. I think its the weight of my own ego....not "ego" in the usual sense of the term but Freud's conceptualization of the term as a mediator between the Id and the Superego....
I wish my birthday brings me joy....I wish surprises enchant me and I feel that all is not bad....there is hope...there is....